How to defeat the anxiety monster, once and for all.
STEP ONE: From sweaty-palmed, poundy-hearted, acid-regurgitating, gibbering wreck to angster with attitude.
We all have them, the gnarly bastards whispering in our heads, confirming all our worst thoughts of not being good enough, especially when you read other people’s work right? You go along with the inner weasel, quietly scoffing at yourself for even trying. Every time a new writer, on that forum you lurk in, announces good news, an agent has signed them, their first novel is about to be published, they’ve been shortlisted in a competition, you smile, you celebrate for them, but there is a dark part of your heart that rues it all. Why them? Why not you? You know why, says the monster within. Helpful instructions on technique only serve to make you gag on your own bile; how will you ever be good enough? The thought of sharing your work with others is horrifying.
Need I go on? I can you know, my husband will confirm.
How do you quell that voice? You, like me, might have thought ‘I was born this way’, ‘its just the way I am’, ‘I can never change’. I’m here to tell you what I discovered. That such ideas are self-limiting bollocks. You heard me. I now live 90% anxiety free. Stress is embraced by me. I shit you not.
May I just point out here that it has taken me many decades to get to the point where I can smugly advise you to bravely rebel against every negative inner voice that is currently urging you to run away and save yourself. I listened to those voices most of my adult life. But, as I was about to turn another big 0, I decided that I had had enough of being that person, ruled by the fear voices, petrified of the unknown, who found the idea I might fail at something, or be judged negatively by others somewhat vomit inducing. If you’re still with me, come out from behind that pillow, stop biting the inside of your cheek, unclench those buttocks and strap yourself in. I can’t promise you won’t gag or sweat in the process, but maybe I can offer a few pointers to help you bypass that path of sick and finally say a big FU to the fear voices.
So — first signpost for you. I say it is first, simply because, in my own journey, it was my first revelation.
STEP 1 — LEARN TO EMBRACE RISK AND NEVER FEAR FAILURE AGAIN.
The power of vulnerability — A TED Talk by Brené Brown
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCvmsMzlF7o
Not only is she an entertaining talker, she introduced me to the idea of risk, failure and vulnerability being not just good things, but crucial in your steps towards creativity and success. The phrase ‘the story I was telling myself’, began to embed itself into my and my husband’s conversations. It is liberating.
I was hit with this mind-blowing concept — I can tell myself better stories. I can learn to embrace risk. Failure is not just something you shouldn’t fear, but is something that is part of the process. Nobody is going to love it, but you sure as hell can learn to accept and learn from it.
When those rejections come, for come they will, you can take them calmly.
There are two possible things going on here:
(1) You have a kick-ass concept. Your book rocks. There are no niggles in your mind. Do others agree with you? (not just your Mum or best friend). Did they say something like “I loved it, you have talent, but it just isn’t right for my list”, or “I love it but it is too similar to something I am currently representing.” In which case, think of them as bad matches. That agent is simply not a good match for you. The universe has a better one in mind for you. Keep going. Pitch at some more.
OR
(2) Did you hear nothing? Was it a cut and paste rejection? Did they say “I just didn’t feel strongly enough about it”? Perhaps you have a few sneaky niggles that perhaps your pitch or concept are not quite up to scratch, not quite grabbing them by the metaphorical sphericals? In which case, enrol in some courses, get some beta readers, research your market to find out what would be considered a pitch they could not refuse, then redraft, redraft, redraft.
I will tell you about step 2 next time. In the meantime, watch Brené and learn to tell yourself better stories about vulnerability… are you still here? Go!
